Monday, April 13, 2009

Stayin' Alive

I've been searching for the time to write a post for the last little while. I've missed you guys. In the process, I've learned a lot about myself. Infact, over the course of a sleepless, unproductive Sunday night, a roundtrip bus ride to and from school, a run and half a jar of peanut butter, I declared that I had the whole world figured out.

Well, maybe not the whole world, but my world.

Glass Half Empty or Half Full?

It all started one day last week, when the lovely Reluctant Runner left a comment on my last post, mentioning that there always seems to be optimism in my post, no matter what the circumstances. So I did this crazy thing, and went back to read a bunch of my posts. I read about the times that I made all these crazy goals and plans, and it was neat to see how excited I was. And after I was excited for an hour or two, I got sad. I missed that old version of Tiger.

Then of course, I had a really bad morning at home with my mom and other life stuff. There were two things that happened...one was good, the other not so good. The good thing is that it got me on the road to thinking about life and stuff. The bad thing was that lately I've been really bad at being the strong and fake Tiger everyone is used to seeing, so people caught on that I was eons away from being okay.

Saturday night, I'm not going to lie to you, I took gravol and went to bed. Quite simply. I wanted my mind to shut off, and I wanted to get in a good nights sleep. And it worked perfectly. My plan was to do the same thing on Sunday night.

A Sleepless Sunday:

It didn't happen. Another reasonably okay day, but things in my mind weren't okay. I couldn't stop thinking. Things that were on my mind included:

  1. Home stuff--I'm not going to say much more on that based on the people that could possibly be reading this, but it was a big one, and there were lots and lots of things involved in it.
  2. School stuff--possibly switching programs to Health and Society which is still somewhat related to Kinesiology and bringing my marks up...If I enjoy it, I might just stay in health and society and if i don't, I'll go back into kinesiology. I was thinking about dropping out all together, but I've already put so much money into this education, I'm coming out with a degree. I feel very much like I need to rebel against the institution that is University.
  3. Disappointments: I was pretty upset after I didn't run Around The Bay, even though I couldn't have physically done it. There were also a bunch of little insignificant things that seemed to have a huge impact on me.
  4. Fear: Who was I becoming?! This isn't the me that I know. This isn't something I do. What if i fail? What if they don't love me? What if I don't pull myself out of this? What if I'm never that person again. There were others that I again won't go into because of the people that are reading.

So, I dunno, 3am came around. What was I to do? There are people who I could've called, or text messaged, but I decided not to, and turned, in my messy,boogery state to my notebook...

What a Coincidence:

I pulled out the notebook from the course I had been doing from November to February. It was a Landmark Seminar Series called "Excellence in the Zone". We worked on living with integrity, turning complaints into possibility, seeing the best in people, all that good jazz.

There were complaints I had crossed off, replays of the scary conversations about inauthenticities (some that didn't go as well as I had hoped they would) and the sharing that had me shaken up for so long. After all that was the possibilities I had created and was excited about and the breakthroughs I had made. The things that were written down that I would never have had the courage to put on paper, let alone tell other people.

I then thought about what was different then than is different now. Circumstantially (if that's a word), nothing was different. What was different was that before, I was a person who was living in the moment, in the possibility and sharing it with other people, leaving them touched, moved and inspired. Recentely, I was being an ordinary person who let circumstances define who she was being. That's not the kind of person I wanted to be.

I looked at the commitment I had made. The commitment to living my life in the moment, with the intention on fufilling each possibility, and sent out a few e-mails, cleaning up some integrity, and recreating that possibility. It was incredible to see what a few words can do, and now I know that they have my back, and will call me out on it if I'm not living my life in excellence.

Proactivity

I was once having coffee with a incredible person, a week before my last landmark seminar. I had created this possibility the Saturday before about being connected. We were chatting and things came up that normally would have been uncomfortable and I just would have said that everything was fine.

We were chatting about family, and relationships and I actually spoke about the battle with depression that the person I love most in the world is going through. She said she thinks its genetic, but that you have to be proactive, rather than reactive when dealing with something like that.

It's amazing what people have to offer when you actually put yourself out there and let people in, when you connect with them.

I've looked at things that I need to do with my life in order to be proactive.

  1. Deal With It: I really didn't enjoy it when the pop bottle got shook soo many times any couldn't function for a few weeks. If you don't put a lid on the pop bottle, then there is never going to be enough pressure inside of it to explode.
  2. Set Goals: I get really excited when I set goals. Life just looks a little different, perhaps brighter. I love the challenge of someone telling me that I can't do something, and then proving them wrong. I love the milestones. I love solving problems. I love making progress. I have to re-look at my goals and then share them. When the inspirations gone, you gotta have someone to keep you accountable, right? Wanna hear a big one right now?! I'm still doing the Peterborough Half Iron, and ran 16km on Sunday, and am swimming tomorrow morning at 8am!!! I'm going to do it!!
  3. Exercise: I struggled to exercise over the last little while, with school being rough and breathing being rough (read: another trip to the hospital...in the acute department) but I'm back. I figure sooo much out when I'm running. The rythmic motion is incredibly theraputic.
  4. Friends: (and alcohol) fix everything, atleast temporarily. The text messages or phone calls or emails or just all in all support from friends is incredible. They make you learn stuff, they make you smile, and alcohol is fun for a little while (and when it wears off its fine as well if you do it right). I have a few people in my life who are my rock (which is pretty cool, considering I am the rock)
  5. Write this Blog and read yours: You guys are so motivating and inspiring to me. I love reading about what you're doing, and the challenges you're facing. I love reading about what you want to do next, and your goals. I love it when I can offer my two sense or just a few words of encouragement. On the other hand, I also love it that I can come here and go all crazy and write out these crazy goals and share that part of my life with you (that some other people in my life don't necessarily get.) I love that I can come here and pour my little heart out into a blog and that you guys still read. It means a lot, and it helps alot.
  6. What Comes Next: That same wise person once told me that people get stuck on the "what if's", and you can't get stuck. Write down all the "what if's" and then write down what you would do if these things actually happened. It's such an interesting concept, because half the time these things aren't as bad as we think they are!

The Summary, Incase You Didn't Read All That:

It's Okay to not be okay sometimes. People aren't going to hate you. You just gotta roll with the punches. It's amazing what kind of support you'll get if you let people in.

I feel like I've grown up

Conclusion

So that's Tiger coming back from her blogging hiatus, knowing herself a little bit better. I would love it if someone could tell me how to work google reader so that I can read them off my phone...I'd love it! (Can you comment from there too???)

School is still crazy, but I am making a commitment to you to post once a week. I'll have lots to talk about with Half Ironman Training, and the Mississauga Marathon coming up.

Thanks for bearing with me...

Tiger!

13 Comments:

At 4:53 PM , Blogger Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

"It's Okay to not be okay sometimes"

I sure hope so....because that's where I am right now.

 
At 4:53 PM , Blogger BeachRunner said...

Welcome back. I know what it feels like to hit a rough patch. Hang in there. It will work out for you.

 
At 6:53 PM , Blogger Marlene said...

Welcome back, Tiger. Yes, it is okay. We're here for you and we love you no matter what.

Take care of yourself... keep us posted.

{hugs}

 
At 5:34 AM , Blogger Jess said...

This reminds me of myself in my early 20s. It's a difficult part of life -- trying to figure out who you are and who you want to become -- but it sounds to me like you're awfully mature and responsible and you're handling these big questions and difficulties with optimism and maturity.

Me? I just partied way too much at that age. It took me until I was about 25 or 26 to start to even out and get the kind of sense you already have.

 
At 6:58 AM , Blogger Melanie said...

great to hear from you again, and yes, it's definitely ok. This is your time :) And yes, I'm doing Mississauga! Maybe I'll finally get a chance to meet ya! Hang in there, it will get better.

 
At 8:34 AM , Blogger Nitmos said...

Nice perspective. Welcome back!

 
At 9:56 AM , Blogger Lily on the Road said...

You know,

* we love you no matter what,
* school is there to learn what you want to do with your life and who you are while learning that
* going through rough, tough, fun, magical times are really, real life,
* we love you no matter what,
* dealing with it, setting goals, exercise, FRIENDS, and deciding what to do next are all positives!!

Hang tough girl, we are all here for you.

 
At 10:47 AM , Blogger Wes said...

It's really good to read about you working things out Tigrrr. You keep exploring, pressing the boundaries, and testing yourself. I think you will amaze yourself.

Being a rock is cool, but a bunch of rocks makes a mountain :-)

 
At 5:01 PM , Blogger Reluctant Runner said...

So good you're back, Tiger. It's nice (and a bit scary!) that my comment struck a nerve for you. Take care and keep writing.

 
At 6:11 PM , Blogger joyRuN said...

Hey - thanks for coming by! I'm trying to get caught up on your blog (not stalking, really!), & sounds like you've had a lot going on.

Good luck with everything :)

 
At 8:13 AM , Blogger Alisa said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I've added you to my ever expanding google reader...I LOVE new blogs!

I'll try to get caught up =).

 
At 12:47 PM , Blogger ShirleyPerly said...

Good to hear from you! I too love what you said about "it's OK not to be OK sometimes." Life definitely has its ups and downs but it's how we handle them that defines us. And I've found that if you love yourself, it's easier for people to love you back. That said, not everyone will always love you and that's OK too.

Keep hanging in there!!

 
At 7:07 AM , Blogger Marci said...

Lily is right, we are here for you no matter what, and it is OK to not be OK.
I think you have done some amazing things for being so young, I never even thought about running a marathon at your age.

Definately stay in school, you will find the right fit for you!

{{ hugs}}

 

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