Saturday, August 16, 2008

Letting Go

Recently, I wrote down some goals.
And then I looked at them.
And then I changed them.
And stressed over them.
And freaked out when people looked at them.
And truthfully just wanted to rip them up and forget about them.

I wasn't sure exactly why this was a big deal, but evidently it was a huge deal for me. Thinking about them made me want to cry, and talking about them put me on edge. I've decided that it's because I'm:

a) afraid of failure
b) Ridiculously goal oriented, so choosing the important once was almost impossible.
c) a person that thinks wayyyy too much. (This is something that you guys know about me. Heck, my colleagues, family, running buddies, even the mailman knows that I overthink things. I think it's borderline OCD)

But one day when I was talking to my manager about goals, she suggested that I stop thinking and go with my gut. Guess what I did on that lunch break? I finished my goals. Completed. Done. Boyyy was it a relief.

And then, guess what I did? I started thinking some more. Yeah. Surprised? I knew it. The goals I was having trouble with weren't the health or career goals, it was the personal goals. Some of these goals included having a healthy relationship with my mom and not being resentful of her illness, inspiring groups of vulnerable children by telling them my story instead of having it follow me around like a shadow (which someday I'll get brave enough to post here), but I realized that in order to do this, I have to let go.

I was recently talking to a good friend of mine, and she was telling me how her dad is still holding onto things from when he was very young, and that now at like 70, he's just getting over it. Can you imagine carrying that heavy of a load with you for 60 years?? I don't want to be that old and just finally realizing that I could've let it go a long time ago, and lived a happier life if I had done so.

Now, I wouldn't be telling the truth if I told you that I wasn't scared out of my wits here. I don't know if I have a plan here. I think I'm going to start decompartmentalizing things. This has been my defense mechanism for such a long time, so it's not going to be easy.

Last week when I got that bad news (That I'm still not saying because I don't want it to be real) I got a taste of what it was like to not micro-manage my thoughts. I also got a taste of what it's like to feel things that I don't want to feel. The thing about this, is that it hasn't gone away. So, what I'm doing is I'm going to do is just feel it and let it go (And cry if I have to, because I'm stronger than she is).

I think, though, that this is easier said than done. We're talking 8 years of stuff in the life box that I haven't wanted to deal with. So this is why I'm putting it out there. It's half the battle, right? I'm going to have integrity, and let it go. I'm on my way to (hopefully) leaving a legacy.

I have so much more to say on this, but this is all my mind can handle for now. I would, however, like to thank you, my blogger buddies, for listening to, and accepting this part of me. It really does make a big difference to know that people around the world who I haven't met are pulling for me. You've all made a difference in my life.

And to my friends that read this, thanks to you to. Love you guys.

Still to come: My first bike accident, and the other goals I speak of in here.

Emily.

*and breathe. Hit Publish*

6 Comments:

At 8:45 PM , Blogger Wes said...

You need broad goals Tiger. Don't sweat the small stuff, cause things happen every day that force us to re-evaluate and change our plans and goals. No regrets, no love lost, just a fact of life.

{hugs}

 
At 3:50 AM , Blogger Lily on the Road said...

I agree with Wes, we all have rough roads we've travelled to get where we are and become who we are. If Live was easy, well, what would be the challenge to make us strong and better people.

We are truly blessed to live where we live, and to be women with freedoms.

Family crap, well, it's what makes us family....some have better ones than others.

Hang in there girlfriend, you know, one step at a time, gets you there in the long run.....

*hugs*

 
At 7:23 AM , Blogger Jess said...

Goals are ideas to work towards, and I think just having them is a valuable part of trying to better ourselves. We don't always have to achieve them, but you are a better person for merely creating them.

 
At 1:25 PM , Blogger Michelle J said...

Goals! Yes they are good but they are certainly not written in stone! They can be modified and even changed completely!

Be well my friend! I enjoy reading your blog and i think you have a lot to say and you say it great!!!

M

 
At 7:58 PM , Blogger Marci said...

I agree completely with what Lily said.
Once I remember that I had bad news, I carried it with me, I could only look at things with a shield of gray and doom. I remember one friend mentioning to me that we are " all ships in the night passing without knowing", and for some reason that reasonated with me. I found strength in trying to help others. No matter how bad it was for me, there was always who could benefit from my help. I felt so much better, here I was wallowing in my own self pity... Just or not, I could rise above.

I am sure there are people benefitting from your coaching in your clinic and other areas in your life that you give to daily. I for one, find your blog a great read and enjoy reading it. Take strength in that. You are a pillar, a survivor.
Chin up and forward on. You are a survivor.

 
At 8:26 AM , Blogger Cliff said...

Bike accident?..ar eyou ok...i hope u got all ur teeth (not like me :P).is ok..they grow back :P.

 

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